Are you the person you want to be?
I was lying in bed the other night thinking about who I am and who I want to be. Do you ever just wonder how your life got from point A to point B. What would you change? What would you keep the same?
A series of decisions brought me to where I am now. Some I would change. Okay, a lot I would change. I would have pushed harder to go to college. I would have dated nicer men. I wouldn’t have settled. I would have known I deserve better. I am better.
There were a lot of times I threw caution to the wind. Never letting others see the thing that really drove me. Fear. Most people that know me would never guess that underneath the confidence they see is a just good, plain old fear.
Yes I did things that many considered fearless. I was afraid but did them anyway. I didn’t have anything to lose. At 20 I went on a trip for my birthday. Loved it. Went back and quit my job. Granted it was a crappy job but still . . A month later I moved. Everything I owned fit in my car. I guess I figured if I was going to work a crappy job I may as well live in a pretty place.
It seems the fear shows itself when I am afraid to fail. I took college classes but never became a full time or even really a committed part time student. I would take a class then take a break. I guess if I didn’t, commit failure was not a problem.
Self confidence? I guess about some things yes but not really. I have never felt I was as good as certain people.
In a job now that has in some ways been good to me but in others not so much. There are perks that would be hard to replace. A car. Gas. Health Insurance. Not so great pay but better than some. When I got divorced and my daughter was a baby I was able to bring her to work. Leave early if I needed. The flip side of that is if it needed to be done I got it done, no matter what. In many ways I now hate my job. After 18 years I am still in the same position. Another 18 and I would still be in the same position. You see I am a woman. . Women do not rank the same. Women do not get promoted.
I really do think that if I was willing to take a chance I could find something that would make me happier that would at least pay the bills. Giving up the car is a big deal. If I had the degree to go with my experience it would be a lot easier. Fear keeps me complacent. Just go with the flow.
I never thought I would be that person who just rides along at someone else’s mercy. I never had an easy life and just got tired of struggle. Staying where I am I at least know what it is. What if I give up what I have now, a job that pays the bills and feeds me and my daughter and ended up in a worse job that doesn’t pay as well.
What do I really want to do with my life? Sit behind a desk? Not really. Will I make a change or will the fear win?
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